Affecting evolution

In an attempt to temper my incessant tendency to construct a grand narrative of every sensual encounter, I discarded all my journals. Gone. Journals filled with analysis of every requited or unrequited love and the dominance of my inner critic lashing out at me for sabotaging opportunities. Ultimately, it was never the fault of the other, always me. Unrelenting inner critic. The purge was sparked by a coincidence which I initially coined: 'this is it!' I bumped into an old lover and thought it was my opportunity to redeem myself, to reverse the sabotage. I pulled out my old journals and tried to make sense of how I was feeling when I was first with him, in an effort to avoid repetition.

On our first date (second time around) I was determined to remain light-hearted and flirty, ignoring the niggling warning signs. By the second date I realised that what I initially called sabotage was actually an intelligent internal warning system, telling me that this man was not right for me, that this man was pushing my boundaries. He displayed the same arrogant, manipulative behaviour that caused me, after an elongated denial, to delete his phone number in the first place. In essence his re-entry into my life, rather than being because he is my soul mate, was to enable me to trust my instincts and my own judgement.

Discarding the journals was a symbolic gesture, communicating to the universe that I trust myself; I don't have to hold on to the past or try to control the things that happen to me. Letting go of my journals was like saying yes to myself, in all my resplendence, and moving away from the victim mentality. Empowering. Due to my love of writing, I started up a new gratitude journal with the specific purpose of writing all the things I'm grateful for, describing the world around me in poetic language. Instead of writing ‘yeah, but...’ I write ‘yes, and…’. Now there is a sense of spaciousness in my emotional life; I want to cultivate and augment communication with the wisest part of my innermost self.

I was recently at Centennial Park in Sydney during a storm. When the rain subsided I wandered through the park with my friends. Further down the path I saw tiny droplets of rain clinging to the long grass like a multitude of fairy lights. Sporadic drops like diamonds. I thought of the Brahma Kumaris and their philosophy that we are all points of light, like diamonds, and I subsequently felt peaceful, connected. As we crossed the bridge I looked up and saw two rainbows, one of which was the brightest, most vivid representation of the colour spectrum I have ever seen. Later, on a white fence in someone’s front yard, snails left sparkling trails in their wake.

What a magical day.

I have a capacity for delight and I therefore generate love; a love of the natural world, of other people, of myself. Now there is no ‘waiting for the one’, for I have ascended to a different level and my acceptance is without measure.